The siren goes off. A whole swarm of problems races across the screen. Kev pops up, looks around, checks every one of them, and lies back down. Phew… not a me problem.
thatBB dictionary
#you_problem
(noun)
A problem that is loud, urgent, and not yours. Worth one look. Not worth getting up for.
Why we take on other people’s problems
Problems are loud, and loud feels urgent. A coworker’s crisis, a friend’s drama, a group chat on fire: it all arrives like a siren, and the reflex is to jump up and carry it. But most of what races past was never ours to carry. Taking it on doesn’t solve it. It just makes two tired people instead of one.
What would a stoic do?
Some things are under our control, while others are not under our control.
Epictetus, Enchiridion 1 (trans. W. A. Oldfather)
Epictetus put this line first in his handbook, and everything else follows from it. Notice what Kev does, though: he gets up and looks. That’s the stoic part. You check, honestly, whether it’s yours. If it is, you own it. If it isn’t, you can be kind about it and still lie back down.
Try this: three moves when the siren goes off
- Pop up and look. Don’t ignore it and don’t grab it. Take one honest look at what is actually happening.
- Ask: is any of this mine? Your choices, your words, your part. That’s yours. Their feelings, their deadline, their mess is theirs.
- Help without carrying. Offer an ear or a hand if you want to. Then hand it back, and lie back down.
For whoever is holding three problems that aren’t theirs right now: you’re allowed to put them down. meow meow, kev
